When You Can't Decide About a Relationship

Relationship decisions don't follow the usual rules. You can't A/B test a marriage. You can't undo years of history. And another person's choices are beyond your control.

No wonder we get paralyzed.

Note: If you're in an abusive or unsafe situation, these general guidelines don't apply—your safety comes first. Please seek professional help or contact a crisis resource.

Why Relationship Decisions Are Different

Most decisions involve things. Relationship decisions involve people—including yourself in relation to them. That changes everything.

• Emotions cloud judgment. Love, fear, guilt, and hope all interfere with clear thinking.
• History creates gravity. Shared years, mutual friends, intertwined finances—all create friction against change.
• Identity is at stake. "I'm not someone who gives up" or "I'm not someone who settles" can override what's actually right for you.
• The other person matters. This isn't just about what you want—another person's life is affected by your choice.

The Questions Worth Asking

Are you deciding about the relationship, or about fear? Sometimes we stay because we're afraid of being alone, hurting someone, or starting over. That's not choosing the relationship—it's avoiding the alternative.

If you met this person today, would you choose them? This strips away sunk cost. Not "have we invested too much to leave" but "is this what I want now?"

What's the pattern over time? Single moments aren't data. Look at trends. Is the relationship generally moving toward more connection and growth, or less?

Have you actually communicated what you need? Many relationship decisions are made without ever clearly telling the other person what's wrong. They can't meet needs they don't know about.

The Ambivalence Trap

Some relationships exist in permanent ambivalence. "It's not bad enough to leave, but not good enough to feel happy." You oscillate between staying and going without ever fully choosing either.

This is often the worst place to be. Not because the relationship is worst, but because you're not fully present for either choice.

If you're going to stay, stay fully. Commit. Work on it. Be present. If you're going to go, go. The middle ground often just delays pain while preventing growth.

When It's Not Your Decision Alone

Relationships involve two people. You can't unilaterally fix a relationship—but you can unilaterally leave one.

If you've communicated, tried, and nothing changes—that's information. You can't decide for them to be different. You can only decide what you're willing to accept.

The Things That Help

• Distance. Time apart (even a few days) can clarify what you actually feel versus what you're used to feeling.
• Therapy. Not just couples therapy, but individual therapy to understand your own patterns.
• Honest friends. Not ones who validate whatever you want to hear, but ones who tell you what they actually see.
• Writing. Getting thoughts out of your head and onto paper often reveals clarity hiding under confusion.

The Actual Decision

At some point, you have to choose. Not "choose tentatively while keeping one foot out the door." Actually choose.

Whatever you decide, make it a real decision. One you can commit to. One you can stand behind even when it's hard.

Relationship decisions are never comfortable. But clarity—even painful clarity—beats endless ambivalence.