Should I Get Divorced? A Values-Based Decision Framework
Your marriage is in crisis, and you're considering divorce. The stakes feel impossibly high—vows made, possibly children affected, finances intertwined, and the weight of what it means to end a marriage. You're trying to determine if divorce is giving up or liberation.
Key Takeaway
This decision is fundamentally about Commitment and Vows vs. Personal Wellbeing. Your choice will also impact your children's welfare.
The Core Values at Stake
This decision touches on several fundamental values that may be in tension with each other:
Commitment and Vows
Your sense of obligation to the commitment you made. Consider what keeping your vows means when a marriage is broken.
Personal Wellbeing
Your mental, emotional, and physical health. Evaluate what staying in this marriage is costing you.
Children's Welfare
If applicable, your children's needs and wellbeing. Consider what modeling this marriage teaches them about relationships.
Financial Security
The economic implications of divorce. Understand the financial reality while not letting money trap you.
Social and Family Pressure
External expectations and judgments. Consider whose life you're living and whose approval you need.
5 Key Questions to Ask Yourself
Before making this decision, work through these questions honestly:
- 1Have we exhausted genuine efforts to repair this marriage, including professional help?
- 2Am I staying because I want to be here or because I fear leaving?
- 3What example is this marriage setting for my children (if applicable)?
- 4Is there active harm (abuse, addiction, betrayal), or is this about unfulfillment?
- 5Can I envision being happy in this marriage five years from now, based on reality?
Key Considerations
As you weigh this decision, keep these important factors in mind:
Watch Out For: Escalation of Commitment
We often stay in failing marriages because of time invested—the more we've put in, the harder it is to walk away. But a bad investment doesn't improve by adding more time. Sunk costs are sunk; the question is whether more years in this marriage will lead to happiness.
Make This Decision With Clarity
Don't just guess. Use Dcider to calculate your alignment score and make decisions that truly reflect your values.
Download on the App StoreFrequently Asked Questions
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Should I stay married for the kids?
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Related Decisions
Should I End a Relationship?
You find yourself cycling through doubt—some days certain you should leave, others wondering if you're throwing away something valuable. The fear of making the wrong choice in either direction keeps you stuck. You wonder if relationships are supposed to be this hard, or if you're not trying hard enough.
Should I Break Up with My Partner?
You're considering ending a relationship, but the weight of the decision is crushing. You cycle between certainty and doubt, wondering if you're giving up too easily or staying too long. The fear of hurting them battles the fear of wasting more time.
Should I Go to Couples Therapy?
Your relationship is struggling, and you're wondering if professional help could save it. But admitting you need therapy feels like failure, and you're not sure if your partner would agree or if therapy even works. Hope and skepticism war within you.
People Also Considered
Similar decisions in other areas of life:
Sources
- Amato, P. R. (2000). The consequences of divorce for adults and children. Journal of Marriage and Family.
- Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. W.W. Norton.